.:†[-=FßeD aKa nUt`D=-]†:.

2009-12-14T17:15:00.001+08:00

as you can see, this is all i have left at night. just me and him, againest lala land. sigh.

2009-10-18T23:55:00.004+08:00

Today is the 18th.
just a day after 2 months of single hood.
can't say i'm very happy.
or can't say i'm sad either.

Somehow,
even after 2 months,
i'm still thinking abt her.
yes, i'm admitting.
I'm still thinking of her everyday.
sometimes, when i wake up,
i still have the habit of calling.
but just when I'm abt to dial.
i woke up.
and told myself.
"it's over. why m i calling. the one who wanted her to have a better future is me. it's wrong for me to do so."

But nevertheless,
i'm still confessing guilty of thinking of her every single day.
yes, u are not seeing things.
i really am still missing her everyday.
i dunno why but i do.

I asked myself this qn many times.
"why ? why m i still missing her ? is it because i can't let go ? or is it because maybe i'm just not used to being alone agn ? "
this kind of questions keep popping in my head.

I admit another thing,
which is even during my trip to japan.
the 1st thing i reach the hotel,
when i see a computer that can be used,
i straight away went online.
and checked her blog.
infact, not only the 1st day.
every single day that i could use,
the 1st webpage to check would be her blog.

Yeap,
u guys might think,
what the fk m i doing.
what the hell m i thinking.
it's me that gave up not her.
wad gives me the right to miss her.
why m i this kinda guy that say something but dont mean it.
cuz it's me that gave up.

It's me that told her to give up.
but here i m still nian nian bu wang.

The only reason i could think of is.

From the bottom of my heart.

I still love her.

I dunno in wad way,
i dunno why,
i dun understand myself why.
but i just do.

signing off,
the irresponsible,
the bastard,
the hopless,
Freddy Mak De Quan.

2009-09-16T15:47:00.003+08:00

I fucking hate this feeling

I admit i'm still feeling jealous.

Wtf.

I thought i would be strong.

well, i dun guess so now.

I'm still the same

weak

cowardly

the all talk no action freddy.

After seeing her blog,

how she pass her few days,

i really feel happy for her.

But at the same time,

i'm jealous.

Why i'm jealous i also dunno.

i thought of possibilities.

1) Cuz i still have feelings so i'm jealous she go out with other guys and stuff.

2) Maybe becuz last time i keep pangseh my frens and thus now is the so call "retribution" and i have no friends that is willing to go out with me.

3) i'm an idiot.

not only this,

camp problems is just piling up.

i guess,

i'm really just a hi bye person to everyone afterall.

2009-07-07T19:34:00.003+08:00

ah finally can log in le.
just now keep got problem.
>_>
anyways.
although quite confused, sad, wadever these days,
but still i managed to pull thru.
although still sucky, but i hope for the best.

today went to rinn house, to collect my stuff.
seeing her from above,
i can only keep thinking,
how m i to react,
how am i gonna start talking,
etc etc.
den when she came up,
walked into her house,
got my stuff,
and i hurriedly walked off.

Well, to me it feels like,
i shouldn't be standing infront of her and irritating her anymore.
Since she says i'm the one making her sad, hurt, etc.
So i only can think of, getting my stuff,
and fucking off asap.

But while walking to bus stop, i can't control, but kept looking back,
and my mind was thinking,
"pls come after me, if u come, i would be so happy."

But in the end, it didnt come true.
So i just suck it up, got up the bus and listen my songs.

During the trip, thoughts ran thru my mind.
Why in camp, i can tell me myself to just be myself infront of her,
but when she's infront of me, i can't ?

There seems to be a awkwardness around us.

Well, i really dunno.
I dunno wad i should do now.
I really hope she knows wad i mean when i say my feelings out.
I really hope she knows me.

All along i thought i wasn't hard to figure out,
but till now,
i found out that,
some ppl actually cant read me.

hmmm..
Till this point i really lost myself.
i dunno wads wrong wads rite.

All along i was just hoping,
she show some concern for me.
although concern no need to be hung on the mouth,
but sometimes, listen abit wont die rite ?
i'm also human,
i need to have this kind of feelings too.
i'm not a robot that keep shows my concern,
and not to get any in return.

loving a person is loving a person in a whole.
bad points included.
i can say i have done it,
although i may lose myself somewhere.
but, i think i have done it.

'When u love a person, look at his/her good points, and carry on thinking. Looking at the bad points just increases ur insecurity.'

I find this quite true.

Hai, i dunno wad to say and do alr.
Having a moodless dinner.
bye.

2009-05-16T09:27:00.001+08:00

i really hope to be like the past or be even better.
i dun wish to be a rebound.
today is the day, i just hope it turns out fine. ):

2009-05-07T20:12:00.004+08:00

i hate myself.
why must i have this inborn temper/attitude.
why must i let it out on others.
why must it be her.
why cant i control myself that day.
why cant i just use my heart that day.

i really regret it.
i really regret the words i used.
i really regret wad i did.
i really regret not doing enough.
i really regret not being caring enough.
i really regret not being understanding enough.
i really hate myself.

你能原谅我吗?
我会改。
我之想回到过去。。

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hai.
feel so sad.
met rinn for dinner today.
picked her up from work.
the feeling was so different.
used to go down happily,
but today,
i felt nervous.
i don't know how i shld be infront of her.
i guess i think too much.

mixed feeling meeting her today.
happy, nervous and scared.
happy cuz i could see her.
nervous cuz i dunno how to react if any situation comes up.
scared, cuz i may do the wrong things.

went to eat kfc with her just now.
i'm amazed at myself for finishing.
cuz this few days my appetite wasn't very good.

went to her house after that.
help her decorate her table with her favorite winnie the pooh wrap.
den she did her stuff.
after that she watch a show.
while she was watching, i don't know if she saw it.
but i was peeping at her.
sorry!
but i couldn't control it.
i just wanted to keep looking at you.

and,
sorry i told a lie.
actually my meeting with frens was canceled.
but i still left early.
why?
cuz i was afraid,
that i don't want to leave.
and i was scared my presence,
might make u feel more sad, angry, etc.

sigh..
since the 1st bus trip when going to kfc.
i was thinking all along.
'should i try to hold her hand ?'
'wad if, she feels irritated ?'
'i better not, i dun wan to lose this little bit of r/s we have.'
all this kinds of thoughts came to my mind.
but i found the courage to ask a simple question.
i asked if i could hold her bag for her.

hai..
i know.
i'm useless.
but,
i really dun wan to lose her again.
at least now, we can still talk, sms.
i'm happy alr.
more than happy after wad i said to her.
those nasty things.

if i could turn back time.
i would choose not to say those words back then.
if only..

sigh..
still worried how this sunday will be.
awaiting..
stressed..
worried..
hai.. -.-

我可不可以爱你 ?
想回到过去我们说好的幸福..

2009-05-06T02:37:00.005+08:00

now then u start spill everything out le loh.
i not asking u to change wad.
since when i use change this word.
i'm just saying.

u think i like to see u EVERYtime take bus come down meh.
if i fking rich i rather i go tpy find u.
thats why i say on bookout days i will accompany u at shop, den stay over ur place
den morning i book in from ur house wad.
this is one part of give and take.
you give, i take.
you got give up things,
i did too.
my nu ren yuan although not so good.
but my nan ren yuan, quite not bad.
all starting to say me change becuz of girl.
i also tahan mah.
not only u have frens that say u, i also have.
i know all this is happening.
i know i know.
wo xin lin le.

i know u do all this.
yet i never complain.
i know u didnt ask me slim down.
but i still cannot take it when ppl call me fat wad.
i have live with this for so long,
suddenly ask me change.
very difficult rite.
the the time u give me.
is so short.

for the things i said the other day is just becuz
my temper lost.
and i just say it out hot headed.
i have no ill intention.
but just to say it all out.

since young u keep everything to yourself, its fine.
but at least u can start changin a little ?
ok, i use change this time.
but just this bit i think, shldn't be a problem ?
wad i request is very very basic.
guessing sometimes doesn't work out.

i spologise for that day,
i know it hurt u.
but it's just becuz i lose my temper.
i know i have bad temper.
but onlt just that day.

after this few days of cooling down.
i know u read this will laugh,
will say i stupid or wadever.
but i really feel guilty from the moment i send out the msg.
if there is a way to stop starhub from sending u the msg.
i will do wadever it takes to stop it.
cuz i know, i only acting on a moment of foolishness.
i never meant any harm.
it's just becuz of my temper.

well, trying to act strong but, forget it.
i'm still weak in the end.
every single moment i think about u.
opening my fridge, seeing the coke reminds me of you.
seeing ur clothes, makes me heartache.
see the da pian u gave me, made me cry.
on my psp, seeing the wallpaper, made me even sadder.

you know how i show my love.
every human makes mistakes.
but i only did it just this once.
dont i deserve a second chance ?
i know from the moment
i lose my temper.
i'm in the wrong.
but it's just this once that i lose my temper.

i dont know if u know wad im trying to say.
but i going to say again.
i MEANT no ill intention on the msgs.
i NEVER asked you to change, maybe one point.
but u could have told me u dun wan to have this change.
this could be a starter in letting me know wad u feel.
i FEEL really really guilty from that day on.
and last of all.

i really miss you.
i really really miss you.
i couldn't live w/o you.
w/o u, everything i do seem meaningless.
w/o u, everything i do has no purpose.
w/o u, my life is back and white.
u are the sunshine in my painted life.
u are all that i can ask for.
u are all that i ever needed.
so sorry for wad i have done..
but i really love you.
it really makes me sad to see us like this now.
really very sad...

2009-05-04T19:24:00.002+08:00

see let me hit on the spot alr.
hints hints.
no worries.
i go find robot loh.
robot leh.
to think.
SOMEbody still can think of this. pei fu pei fu.
go enjoy ur dog lifes bah.
(:

2009-05-04T18:49:00.003+08:00

you think i feel good saying all this.
i feel like shyt can.
but if i dun say, i dun think any others will say it to you.

ppl might say giving in to u is protecting u.
i say why protect u when u think everything that revolves around u is natural to u.

just like this r/s.
u may think it's just another bad r/s.
just maybe cool down few days and over.
maybe inside the brain thinking,
if new one come, den try loh.
see how.

but have u ever tot of others ?
my feelings?

i can swear upon my family,
i put in 200% in this r/s.
but end up.
this is wad happens ?

does this means,
if i dun put in so much,
i will get a better r/s ?

after u all read her blog,
u all may think i'm a hypocrite.
just another guy that goes around hurting other ppl.
but,
u think,
this result now.
u think is this wad i want ?

like i said,
all this can be avoided.
just by a very simple step.
but,
she didnt do it !
and even after my many many times of nagging.
she doesnt listen.
so i guess,
this is the result, the ending u wanted ?

like u said,
who will appreciate ur good.
den who will appreciate mine ?!

just flaring off for the 1st time can make u like dat.
i really should wonder and question myself.
why is this all happening to me.
why lao tian ye has to play this kind of prank on me.

no matter at home, work, studies and even now this r/s.
my words dun weight a single thing.
u think i like to nag ?
it's becuz nobody fking listens to me!

talking to u nicely doesnt work,
telling u my logics (which u think is an insultation to your oh so great princess) doesnt work.
wad else can i do ?

u think i chose to say out all this?
u think i feel good saying all this out ?
i'm telling u,
i rather keep it in me.
but it has come to this point where,
u still think u are right.
u still think u did no wrong.
u still think my persuasion wasnt good enough fer ya.
u still think i ain't good enuff fer ya.

i have nothing to say.
i guess i have no reason to be sad anymore.
once again i have to turn my heart into stone.

2009-05-02T18:53:00.002+08:00

为什麽如此的安静
为什麽明明想靠近却还在迟疑
努力的我保持镇定
努力开拓话题
最後却溃不成军

为什麽如此的美丽
深刻的烙在心里最温柔的酷刑
每一天无法不想你
连闭上眼睛
怎麽都是你

你可不可以爱我
可不可以想我
虽然我对自己没有一点的把握
别害怕我难过
告诉我你真实的感受
至少忐忑已告一段落

你可不可以爱我
可不可以看我
反正看或不看我依然失魂落魄
成全不是美德
拒绝也不是一种罪过
你能给我
快乐还是寂寞

为什麽如此的美丽
深刻的烙在心里最温柔的酷刑
每一天无法不想你
连闭上眼睛
怎麽都是你

你可不可以爱我
可不可以想我
虽然我对自己没有一点的把握
别害怕我难过
告诉我你真实的感受
至少忐忑已告一段落

你可不可以爱我
可不可以看我
反正看或不看我依然失魂落魄
成全不是美德
拒绝也不是一种罪过
你能给我快乐还是寂寞

想念燃烧个不停
我快置身灰烬
你是我的呼吸

你可不可以爱我
可不可以想我
虽然我对自己没有一点的把握
别害怕我难过
告诉我你真实的感受
至少忐忑已告一段落

你可不可以爱我
可不可以看我
我依然失魂落魄
成全不是美德
拒绝也不是一种罪过
你能给我能给我什麽
快乐还是寂寞

2009-05-02T18:34:00.002+08:00

hi,
i have not been blogging i know.
too lazy.
now this post is specially for lin pei wen.
i wan u to know.
i have not given up.
i will not give up.

i just wan u to know,
and this is wad i have been repeating from the start.
but i still wan to repeat.

lin pei wen,
ALL i need from u is just for u to tell me,
how u feel,
wad u feel,
wad u expect from me,
wad u feel i should do to make u happy.

i have tried all possible solutions,
but,
it failed.
can u PLS tell me how to make u happy.

every little irritating action i do.
is just to joke around with u.
to make u laugh in wadever way u think is funny.
even if it means to make me look dumb,
to make me look like a retard,
to make me act like a fool around u,
to make me give ppl say that i pamper u.

i'm telling u again.
WO YUAN YI.

i'm WILLING to do anything for u,
even if it makes me look retard,
even if it makes me a fool,
even if ppl scolds me.

WO YUAN YI.

ALL i wan from u is just for u to open ur mouth.
is it very hard ?
can u tell me why u cant open ur mouth?
this isnt the 1st time we have this kind of meaningless quarrels, cold war.
what is it u wan from me.
just tell me straight to the face.

like i always say,
during quarrels,
u can scold me,
u can beat me,
u can say me until i like dog,
but,
pls
pls
pls
pls
pls
just open ur mouth and tell me what ur heart feels and want from me.

just that simple.

=[